Bound to Boundaries

It is far easier to blame someone else for the things you let happen to you, and of course there is an element of the person doing the thing to you that breaks down your boundaries, but I think it is far more complicated than that.

Let's start with the very boundaries that get broken. For example, if one puts up a boundary around how they let someone speak to them - that is a pretty easy boundary to break past - and they just walk away from someone the moment that they break that boundary, it would be a very short time frame before the person attempting to break the boundary understands that they can't speak to that person in that way. Even if it is on a subconscious level, they will know something is wrong with how they interacted with them.

It then becomes the person who pushes the boundaries to be self aware enough to figure out what it is that broke that line of communication.

On the other hand, the person who puts up the boundary could also speak to that boundary so it is a known boundary. Don't curse at me, as an example, is something someone could say as a boundary. When the person curses at them and then they walk away, it should be a known reason as to why the person walks away.

But sometimes a person doesn't even know the boundary is there until it is broken. This is when things become far more muddled, especially if the person doesn't have the space to grasp that a boundary was broken, or what boundary it was that even was broken. There is a fine line between someone being upset because dish got broken, for example, and someone going a bit too far with how they express that dish being broken. It could potentially get to the point where that "too far" starts breaking the person down psychologically without them even knowing it because of how fine that line is with communication - which is why it is also so vital for the person who has their boundaries broken to know themselves well enough to recognize such things.

And an even finer line, perhaps, is that line between a touch too far on expression of emotion and when it becomes abusive. We all know that someone hitting another person is abusive. We all know that someone screaming at someone to the point that the person on the receiving end of that anger is then intimidated by them is also abusive. Throwing things at someone is abusive.

One would, perhaps, argue that the point that something turns into abuse is when there is a breaking of a person psychologically. And what I mean by this is the moment in which the person reduces the self value of the victim within that boundary breaking abuse.

And that is the real value of the boundary in general - to put limits on what we will endure before it becomes damaging to us. And that boundary can be exclusive to individuals. What I mean by this is, a best friend who has been there through tons of things may have a much bigger grace to that boundary because of how much they've done for the person, and how much trust has been built amongst the two of them. Meanwhile, an acquaintance may burn through a boundary very rapidly because of how little experience they have with one another.

But the thing is, when does it become the responsibility of the person who has their boundary broken to walk away? One would argue that a real boundary should be the first time it is broken. It just gets far more complicated when that previously mentioned best friend breaks a boundary and the risk of a deep friendship being ruined is at play. However, by giving grace to that boundary breakage, it informs the person who broke the boundary that it is okay that they did the damage.

This goes without saying that a certain amount of all this can be alleviated through communication, which is why communication is so vitally important. It also goes without saying that there has to be a safe place in order for that communication to exist. If one of the ways that boundaries are broken is to destroy the safe space to communicate, communication clearly can't happen.

So what does one do in the situation where a great friend breaks through a boundary and ends up causing psychological harm? Well, in theory, it is the communication route, but it would also depend on how severely the boundary was broken. A best friend sleeping with your lover is a much bigger boundary break than saying something that was just a little out of line and caused damage, for example.

Ultimately, nothing about boundaries and what anyone should do in regards to their boundaries being broken is clearly defined as to what should take place; however, I will leave with this: If someone is consistently doing psychological damage to you, please do yourself a favor and walk away from that person. No matter how much you love them, no matter how much you care, and no matter how much they may say they do the same - even if it may be true, because I do believe someone can love another as best they know how to and still cause irreversible harm psychologically by breaking boundaries. At the end of the day, though, it has to be about what is best for you. If you're worthless to yourself, then you can't have worth to anyone else.

-Dustin S. Stover