Honoring the Dead

She stood in front of the crowd, all of which were dressed in their nicest black, and addressed them all with a tears in her eyes.

"... He, like all of us, was full of flaws. But more than most, he wore those flaws out loud. It kept him honest. It kept him growing as a person."

She rattled on, breaking with weeps, while most of the audience had their heads tilted towards the ground sharing in the moments of sadness. There was a uniformity that they all had within them, in which they all felt like a good person had been lost, but they all simultaneously felt like they never got a full grasp as to who he truly was.

"... and so with that, I would just like to say that James.... he was a great man. One who truly would sacrifice himself so everyone around him could have a better life."

She grabs her papers and walks away from the podium with her head still hanging.

"Would anyone else like to say anything?" the ring leader of this funeral says - it most assuredly wasn't a holy man, but for the sake of this moment she carried the torch of one all the same. She was, after all, his best friend throughout his entire adult life.

Another woman stands. "I have something to say."

The best friend steps aside to allow the next woman to take her place at the podium.

"James wasn't the manliest man. He for sure wasn't the most enthusiastic - I am pretty sure anyone who knew him would know that he rarely ever got excited about anything. He wasn't driven, though he had moments of brilliance. He made a shit boyfriend, but he showed me pleasure unlike anyone else had ever been able to - sorry to his mom for saying that, but it is true. He probably should have never been in a relationship to begin with. He would have been a better fuck buddy to the women in his life than he ever made a lover. You may think all this is bashing him, but it is true. He wasn't meant for that kind of life."

The crowd looks noticeably confused. When did this funeral turn into a time to critique a dead man?

James was cremated, so there is no open casket or taking turns for people to look at a body. No one would want to, anyway, as what was left of his body wasn't meant for human eyes to see prior to the cremation.

"He put forth his best effort in those things, but they were never enough. That is why there are so many of his ex girlfriends and wives here today."

James' best friend cuts her off, "Does anyone have anything pleasant to say to remember James with?"

"You are one of his exes, too," the woman who was cut off says.

"That is true. We dated a long, long time ago. Such a long time ago that we were children, and since then James has been there for me more than anyone else in my life has - more than family, more than any other friend I've had, even more than lovers. He never asked to gain anything from our friendship, either. That was the kind of person that James was. He accepted people for exactly who they were, flaws and all, and did whatever he could to make them feel seen, heard, and appreciated for who they are. Simply because none of us had an appreciation for him the way he wanted to feel appreciated when we had our chances with him doesn't mean he was less than a great man."

The woman who had just been cut off steals the microphone. "He... was a great man."

After the speeches conclude, one by one they all make their way to the urn where the ash now resides, bow their heads, and walk on while shedding various amounts of tears. As a whole, however, the sadness is outweighed by the awkwardness of so many people realizing all at once that the only people attending this funeral are women that James had previously dated.

Suddenly, the sound of bagpipes can be heard from behind the massive double doors leading into the chamber where the funeral is taking place. Men with long red beards burst through the door wearing red and dark green kilts playing the saddest song on a bagpipe they possibly can muster and begin a parade lap around the room. A quiet woman, one who is near no one else and has yet to interact with a single other person, grabs a quick smirk to herself as she peers around the room and notices whatever tensions beginning just moments before dissipate and meld into bursts of laughter.

James never would have wanted anyone to be sad at his untimely end. No, he would have wanted everyone to be happy that he was no longer trapped in the never ending isolation he felt in life, and the quiet woman in the back knew this better than anyone else. So, while she was immensely sad herself, she chose to honor him with something comically absurd instead. As comically absurd as the fact that she also knew that the ashes within the urn everyone was honoring wasn't even James'.

No, James was dead alright, but as a last wish before he went he had devised a plan with his two best friends to fill the urn with jolly ranchers, spread his actual ashes in the mountains of Asheville, North Carolina while taking a photo of them floating in the wind during the sunset off of the Blue Ridge Parkway, and then pull off an absurdity of kilted men playing bagpipes just when everything got too dour.

And the two best friends looked at one another, smiled, and then winked at one another knowing that those two knew James better than anyone else. His pain and suffering was finally over, and his wish to make everyone feel good one last time had been fulfilled.

-Dustin S. Stover