Emotional Bullshit

What if we have emotions entirely wrong? What if emotions aren't the experience we have, but rather, a source of information about the experience we have?

I have been accused of not feeling emotions. That is total bullshit. I just try my best to not react within emotions, and fully acknowledge that my emotions are no one else's responsibility. There is something to be said about someone who believes their emotions are someone else's responsibility, as well, but I suppose that is up to you to decide what it is to be said about them.

Let me give a hypothetical example of what I'm talking about.

Say someone says something to you. They mean nothing harmful by it whatsoever. Maybe they say it sharper than normal, or maybe its just a shorter response than you were expecting, or maybe it was just worded incredibly poorly, but the intent behind what they said was not meant to cause any harm at all. You, the recipient of such a statement, may get your feelings hurt. There is nothing wrong with getting your feelings hurt at all, but your feelings being hurt is just information to give you about the situation. What didn't you like about the statement, for example?

Now, if your feelings get hurt by what was said because of whatever reason it may be, does the fact your feelings got hurt more important than the meaning of the statement to begin with? Because a simple analysis of response, provided the person who said the hurtful thing in the first place explains what they truly mean, here would be this:

1: Coming to a mutual understanding that there was a misunderstanding, and prioritizing the meaning of what was said.

2: Focusing on the feelings the recipient of the statement had and neglecting the meaning entirely, because the emotions are such a higher priority.

3: Ignoring the misunderstanding and emotions and moving on.

For the sake of this argument, we will ignore 3. I am sure there are plenty of other responses, as well, but I'm not trying to write a novel length blog post over emotions today.

So let's look at number 1. In this situation, the emotions are still felt. They are still valid, but they are being utilized to bring two people closer together through bridging the gap between the misunderstanding. The meaning behind what was originally said takes priority - which is the entire point behind conversation. Misunderstandings are simply a part of conversation under this circumstance, and rightfully so, misunderstandings happen all the time.

Under circumstance 2, it turns the emotions felt into the primary point of focus of the entire experience. No longer is conversation important. It places the emotions the recipient felt as the responsibility as the person who originally delivered the message. It forces the person who tried to deliver the message in the first place into also managing the recipient's emotions as well. It prioritizes one person over the other. It is, on a subconscious level, a means to tell the original messenger that they aren't important, but rather, that the only thing that matters is the emotions the recipient felt.

Now, don't get me wrong. This is not me saying that an apology isn't necessary or appropriate in the situation. We can all do some pretty serious emotional damage to one another without any intention of doing so, but what I am saying is that the experience is one thing, and the emotions felt in that experience is just something of a descriptor for the experience in itself.

The experience in this example is the relaying of information - whether what was being said originally was something about how they didn't care what was for dinner or a quick insensitive text for a heavy topic (saying 'that sucks' to someone's family member dying, for example).

The reality of all this is that it is a kindness when someone prioritizes someone else's emotions. We would expect that from people we choose to have close to ourselves, but even in those situations it is a kindness, but it is absolutely no one else's responsibility to cater to your emotions. In the case of the example I gave in particular, if the conversation itself isn't the priority, then what was the point of saying anything in the first place? If someone's emotions get hurt due to a misunderstanding so badly that the meaning behind the message stops mattering altogether, what is the point of speaking in the first place?

And let me reiterate - there is room for hurt feelings to be catered to, but if getting to the real meaning of what was said doesn't alleviate the emotions felt then there is a deeper rooted problem involved. Was what was originally said offensive no matter how it is said? Does it matter at all what was originally said?

And the point is still this - the experience in this example is the conversation, the emotions are just information about the experience.

Here is another example - say you're in an open relationship, and in such a situation, there is open dialogue about what is acceptable and what isn't. And like with every other extraordinarily complicated situation, as involving multiple people in a love arrangement will always be, there is a lot of room for emotions to be heightened in all directions. For this specific hypothetical, however, let's say one person says they are not okay with a certain sexual partner their lover may have - this being a core relationship, for example. They don't get a good feeling about the person, the person has displayed some really controlling behaviors and just genuinely don't seem to be someone who respects them. The person who feels negatively about the extramarital partner expresses how they feel about them, and requests nothing to happen with them. The person in the marriage with the extramarital partner decides to do it anyway. The other person may be extraordinarily upset about the situation, but the emotions are still not the experience. The experience is the person they love going against how they feel about the situation.

Now, where it goes from there can become extremely convoluted, but keeping things simple, there would likely be some kind of argument that would occur. The person hurt by the actions may feel like, well, this is part of the arrangement that they can do what they want with who they want and all they can do is express their feelings. Their feelings are still just giving them insight into what the experience is. They get hurt feelings because the situation is disrespectful to how they feel, because they were ignored, or whatever other complex emotions may be intwined within the experience. Still, the emotions just give insight, and it isn't the responsibility in the person making the hurtful choices to cater to the other person's emotions, but if a person will disrespect you to such an extent then perhaps you should re-evaluate your importance within your relationship, but that is an entirely different story.

That is the most important and amazing part of emotions. We, as humans, have such strong reactions to things because of what is contained within the experiences themselves, but for every emotion experienced, there is a reason behind it and we can utilize the emotions to understand the meaning behind why we feel the ways we do - and through that, gain a far deeper understanding of ourselves. If one can't understand why they feel the way they do under various circumstances, how much do they truly know themselves?

Until next time, have a great life.

-Dustin S. Stover