Forever Encapsulated into a Single Year

A year. It is both an extremely long time and such a short amount of time that it feels like no time has passed at all.

A year ago I left my marriage. I left three children. I left five years of my life behind.

I wasn't going to publicly write anything today. I felt like the majority of what I would have to say would hurt people, or a person, and I have no desire to do that.

Having said that, I did feel compelled to write something - so here goes.

A year, when every week plays out in the same way, is such a paradoxical thing. The minutes, even seconds, while doing the obligatory things - like work, or mowing, or laundry - feel like they are stretched out to an eternity. It is so kind of hellacious torture, with the exception of when some new challenge arises at work that really leads to me enjoying figuring out the puzzle, but the paradox is that so much of the time spent recovering from the monotony goes by so fucking fast that it feels like it doesn't exist at all. Whether that is time playing a board game with friends, reading a book, listening to a great album, or even just doom scrolling because there is nothing left in the tank mentally to do anything else.

And that creates so much of the dilemma I've encountered within the past year.

Beyond just how much time I have spent alone, sorting out my life from what all I have experienced for the past, let us say, 30 years of my life (but especially the last 10 years), it has been so much of that cycle. Endless days of obligations followed by the proceeding 4 or 5 hours of functionally being human fading away faster than what feels like a few breaths.

And that really is the worst part about life. So much time and energy dedicated to making other people rich for the sake of survival. So, while I have spent the past year really working on myself in a lot of ways, I am going to be a lot more intentional with time spent outside of work. I have already started doing board game nights far more frequently (I have been playing Gloomhaven multiple nights a week with friends in person for the past couple months, for example), I write 3 or 4 nights a week, even if it is simply a bit of journaling that will never see the light of day otherwise, and I built my first speaker a couple weeks ago (although, due to some error in assembling it - I don't have any real instructions to go off of with building it - I failed to have it making noise, so I suppose more than making a speaker I just made an art piece). The second attempt will be coming up soon - perhaps as early as this weekend.

And what started out as me just having something to look forward to every Friday night has become more ritualistic in nature. I still go to the same restaurant every Friday night. When I chose to do that, it was as an act of celebrating myself. It was an act of rewarding myself for trudging through all the fucking hard stuff and making it yet another week. Now, even the waitress I have nearly every Friday night, as well as those who seat me, have joked about how they don't even need to get me a menu to order off of, or how they will put my order in with only asking me if it is my normal order again. I don't know how much longer I will be doing that, but routines are nice to have.

A year ago, I didn't really consider what I wanted out of my life. Not really. I felt stuck between a rock and a hard place, and I made a choice to get to a place that no longer felt like that. There really wasn't any more thought process behind that. Before I knew it, I was questioning my choices as to why I decided to stay in a city that I really don't like.

Am I glad I made that choice?

Yes, for the most part. I am never going to like this city, but I enjoy the people I spend time with. I am also financially stable here. I have freedom in life and it really does feel like my life is moving in a positive direction.

That isn't to say all is positive. Our country is falling deep into a dictatorship by the minute, and looking more and more like Germany circa 90 years ago with this city looking like an epicenter of support for such things. That combined with the economy crashing faster than a Porsche with no brakes, makes me terrified of how hard it would be to find another job in this climate.

I would still love to move away from here. I will re-evaluate where I am at in life in a year from now, but for right now I am at least feeling content enough.

So many things I used to enjoy just don't mean much anymore. Cars, for example, just aren't something I find myself particularly compelled to enjoy like I used to. I sold my Miata and all I am left with is my Subaru. That isn't to say it is a boring car by any means, but it isn't as fun as the Miata whatsoever. I still get so bored driving normal cars that it puts me to sleep better than sleeping pills do (looking at you, QX60 and Toyota Camry) so it isn't like I have given up on cars entirely, but I have no desire to modify my car in any way, and going on random drives just isn't appealing - although, that is almost entirely because the roads here are flat, straight, and the most boring things I have ever driven on. The only excitement driving them is how horribly they are made.

And video games - at this point, all I really play is the digital version of Gloomhaven/Frosthaven, and that is only because I don't have to spend a half an hour setting up and a half an hour tearing it down if I play the digital version.

But music plays a bigger role in my life than it has in over a decade. Every Friday, I pick a couple albums to listen to straight through. Instead of watching tv shows like a normal person, I will put a record or cd on and just indulge in that. I don't play instruments nearly as much as I would like to, but that is part of the balancing act of time more than a lack of enjoyment. We gravitate to what we are best at when it comes time to enjoy ourselves, and making music isn't what I would really consider something I excel at.

All of that, however, is to say that the trajectory of my life finally feels like one that I am creating. It finally feels like I am pursuing what I want out of my life rather than riding the waves of whatever is in front of me, and more often than not, riding someone else's life choices.

And although there are the rare moments when I feel alone, and would like someone to share my time with, I don't miss being in a relationship. Actually, I struggle to really even see the point in being in one at this point. It almost feels more like an act of selfishness to try to have someone fit into my life in an intimate way for the handful of times a month I would like someone there, and the far, far fewer times when I actually crave someone to be there. And my hand does a better job at getting me to climax than anyone else ever has. That is an exaggeration, of course, because nothing is better than great sex. At least nothing that I have found in my forty-one years of life, but the calm and peace and mental energy I have remaining at the end of every day is something I don't want to ever lose again.

So, here is hoping that in a year from now my life will be even better. And honestly, I really can't wait to show the world the things I have been working on - if I ever feel like they are good enough to show to the world, anyway.

-Dustin S. Stover